COMPLEX

long

i don’t think being on antidepressants has made me any less depressed. it’s only been about three months, going on four. not very long in the grand scheme of things. but a while. enough for me to notice if they’re working or not.

and in the end i just am not very sure. i think i am most assuredly still depressed. stupendously depressed. if depression were a liquid mine would refill the aral sea. but i think being on meds has made me more aware of how absurd my depression really is. maybe that helps me deal.

or maybe it’s this weird numbness that i’ve been experiencing lately. this morbid disconnection from everything going on around me that keeps me from focusing my attention on one thing for too long. my thoughts move around so much it’s hard to think about anything for long periods of time other than my biggest issue: how do i feel?

i hate not being able to easily answer that. i hate having to go out the door in the morning into a world i find wholly and utterly unpleasant having to pretend like i see a saint on every street corner and a miracle dog-eared into some old book in my lab. most of all i hate how resentful i am of myself for being so conceited and self-centered that the pains and issues of those close to me and those i’ll never know are just as important as mine. probably more. i want to smile and say everything is great like i do all day long, to flash that confident and proud grin i use when i am trying to win people over.

days like today make me wonder if, without the medication, i’d lose my perspective. goodnight.